NOT MINE

This post is dedicated to Daisy with hope she will forever find success in whatever she is doing.

Ok, the jokes below obviously is not mine. I could never have create  dumb shit like these. ( and you all know I love dumb shit)  I''ll provide the link of the site I get the jokes.

My girlfriend invited me to her house, I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy, she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, shall we have sex" , I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car, I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: "you've won my trust"... Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car

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A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.

"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

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what do you do if you see your ex , running around in your front yard covered in blood and screaming for help ?

stay calm . reload . and try again

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Girl: Heyy:)
BOY:hey
GIRL: I like you:)
BOY: wow.
GIRL: What?? you don't like me????
BOY: no
GIRL: wow you are so nice :'(
BOY: why are you crying??
GIRL: You don't like me :'(
BOY: well you never asked if i love you:)
GIRL: well do you?!
BOY: Lol no.
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i'm one of those people that laughs at a joke 3 TIMES:
-ONCE when it's told to me
-ONCE when it's explained to me
and
-ONCE 5 minutes later when i finally understand it

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey son, may I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN / MAN -
WOMAN:
* Wine her,* Dine her,* Call her,* Hug her,* Support her,* Hold her,* Surprise her,* Compliment her,* Smile at her,* Listen to her,* Laugh with her,* Cry with her,* Romance her,* Encourage her,* Believe in her,* Pray with her,* Pray for her,* Cuddle with her* Shop with her,
,* Give her jewelry.* Buy her flowers,* Hold her hand,* Write love letters to her,* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
* Show up naked ...
* Bring food ...
* Don't block the TV 

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There was a plane crash. Every SINGLE person died. Except two people. How is that possible???' They were MARRIED. Get it??

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10 commandments of being a teenager:
1. Thou shall not sneak out when there parents are sleeping (why wait?)
2. Thou shall not do drugs (alochol lasts longer)
3. Thou shall not steal from K-mart (Walmart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism (destructon has a bigger effect)
5. Thou shall not steal from their parents (everyone knows Grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get into fights (start them)
7. Thou shall not skip class (take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not go to strip clubs (Hooters has better food)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex (like Nike says... just do it)
10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street (leave them in the middle)

LINK to DUMB SHIT