How to Deal With Fag Ass

When I say fag ass,I don't mean the rear end of a homosexual man,I'm talking about motherfucker(s) noob who constantly make you piss. I hope I make this clear. I bet real homosexual guy behave better than this fag ass.

These idiotic fag ass is pain in the ass to deal with,so this is my humble suggestion on how to deal with fag ass and lead a happy-fag-ass-free-life.

1. Call Nigerian Police Officer
Obviously someone who feel sick pleasure from other people misery must come from Nigeria. So, it is crucial we sent this fag-ass back to where they belong, to Nigeria. (Sometimes these Nigerian will go through plastic surgery to make them not black anymore.So keep a keen eye to any white-skin-fag-ass)

2. Call the Mexican Orphanage
It is scientifically proven fact that 97%  fag-ass is adopted bastard.(other 3% is reincarnation of Osama Bin Laden) Their real parents is dead a long time ago.,so most of fag-ass is sent by a kereta kancil from Nigeria to  a Mexican orphanage (funded by Mexican drug cartel). It is more than appropriate the orphanage take back this fag-ass.

Osama Bin Laden with his proud collection of Twilight books

3. Hire a homeless man to beat the shit out of them.
Everyone know a homeless man (especially from Bangladesh) know Wing Chun and other Shaolin Kung Fu. Hire the homeless man from Bangladesh to BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THE MOTHERFUCKING FAG ASS. The job is considered done after the intended target is dead or lost his ability to gain erection. Most of this homeless assassins are willing to accept any kind of payment raging from 30 cents to 50 cents.If you pay them double the price,they even kill the fag-ass family. (that's what I call a bargain~!!  )

fag-ass is allergic to Wing Chun (and karipap)

4.Call Chief of Police Najib's mom
We all know Najib's mom is the most powerful person in Malaysia. I'm sure getting rid of these demonic fag-ass is in the best interest of the country,and even Najib's mom's will help you. (and I'm not talking Najib the sate seller). Better yet,make a new law in Parliament; fag ass will be hang to death and their Facebook/Twitter account permanently deleted.

5. Call Ambiga.
Ambiga is the mother of all fag ass. So it is proper for the mother to discipline their son.

If all else fails,move to Canada, Tikam Batu or Somalia Tokyo.

near to the beach! great!

Thanks for reading today's episode of Apple Waffle. Chill out, I'm Keough and I am chronic mash potato eater.

SPM PAPER 2020?

I imagine in the future, internet jargon will be widely use to the point it's a compulsory subject in SPM.Here is a few sample question that I think might appear in the future.

1. What is LOL?
a) List of Lembu
b) Larian of Langkawi
c) Lets Omnomnom Laksa
d) Laugh out Loud

2. What is LMAO
a) Love My Anal Orifice
b) Let's Make an Oath
c) Lame Man are Orangutan
d)Laugh My Ass Off

LMFAO
a) Love My Fish and Orangutan
b) Let's Make Father Attack Orangutan
c) Laugh My Fat Ass Off
d) Larry Mistakenly Fuck an Orangutan


3.AFK
a)away from keyboard
b)awhhh f*cking kewl
c)Alligaotr From Kelantan
d)Association Fag Kfc (sorry,I ran out of idea )


GTFO
a)get the fish oil
b)get the forest orangutan
c)get the f*ck off
d)gay try fucking orangutan

ROFL
a) rolling on floor laughing
b)rambo of flexible leg
c) rich Obama fail license (test)
d)rolling on floor loathing

 BRB
a) BuRB (sound )
b) B*tch Return Book
c)Be Right Back
d)B*tch Roll Ball



Chill Out. I'm Keough and KISHAMMTJDHITLOAAWETTWHHBLTHUTMMPMPIANFTAIRLIDIWBP*

*Keough is so handsome and more macho than Johny Depp.He is the leader of autobot and will end the terminator war. He has blue lightsaber that he use to make mash potato. Mash potato is awesome .Nuff said. This acronym is ridiculously long I doubt it ever be popular.


you hate this post ? me too......weed-deprived Keough is sorry

Ak-47

-All these tips are original and belongs to VEE-then let's apply those tips to me, the most handsome blogger in Pluto and Kubang Kerian and some say Tikam Batu.


Vee's tips on how to save $$$
1. Try to avoid asking money from your parents.
2. Avoid lending money to others.
3.Spend wisely
4. Don't get a girlfriend/boyfriend
5.Get a part-time job
6. Finally, to save more money- start blogging

money I earn working as part time drug dealer..my full time job is stalking your mom

1. Try to avoid asking money from your parents.
Yes, I avoid asking money from parent. Why ask money from parent when you could ask money from grandparent,they are much richer.

2. Avoid lending money to others.
I don't lend money to others. You will get nothing me from me. Not even 50 cents, not even 40 cents. not even 30 cents, not even 20 cent.But you could borrow my boxer. By the way, I'm wanted by Ah Long in Manjung and PJ, so if they ask you where I cabut lali, say I already moved to Tokyo

3.Spend wisely
I spend my money on guns and firearms like AK-47 and stuff. For me, this is a good and a VELY WISE investment. Mark my word, haiya one day America will attack Malaysia. At that time I will be like Piu piu piu.piu..  dead americans everywhere.

die bitches, die!!!

4. Don't get a girlfriend/boyfriend
who need girlfriend when I can stalk your  mom?  did I say that out loud? snap....

5.Get a part-time job
I used to work part-time as pole dancer, but the girl always want to touch my butt and want me to strip myself. I'm too young and too awesome to be molested..

6. Finally, to save more money- start blogging
blogging is a cheap way to have fun with/or withour pant. But I'm not suggesting I blog without pant,I'm suggesting I blog wearing skirt.(faggot?)

Thx for reading todays's faggot-ish AppleWaffle.Chill out I'm Keough and you are spastic dude/bitch.

Sleepy Head

WHAT THE FUCK? A friend of mine is sleeping in class?? What is the point of attending class if you wanna sleep??? It's not that I never sleep in class before but believe me,I tried my best to stay awake, it was an honest mistake,I ACCIDENTALLY  fall asleep. ( what to do, your presentation is so fucking boring....and I sleep late last night,don't ask why or else your genital will fall off,I know a bomoh Siam)

Even Dr House use the service of bomoh siam

If I was the lecturer in the class, I slap anyone who fall asleep,and I slap them good! I will be like "Wake the fuck up SLEEPY HEAD!FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT--BLAMMM BLAMM BLAMM--a few repeated smack on the face.... Hulk smashh!....  The way these people tend to sleep I think, Snorlax and these people must be cousin. At least Snorlax  has huge dick, people who sleep in class is dickless. And if they are lucky, they might have a chance to taste a flying elbow, Om Bak style~  (Muay Thai rocks! those who disagree that muay thai rocks  have to let me touch their boob as registration fee to disagree)

Come on man, you pay god-damn-money $$$ for college fee so you can sleep in class? Geez, I guess you must be fucking rich. Please don't waste your money, you deserve to be treated better by yourself ok?

Thx for reading today's episode of Apple Waffle. Chill out, I'm Keough and I DONT DO COCCAINE ..most of the time..

MALE TEST

today post is STRICTLY for male only,those who have boob and vagina please navigate away from this blog. Those who read this post revoke the right to judge me as pervert (and agree jew is scum of the earth)

please answer this test honestly from deep of your rotten and porn-filled heart

1. what do you do if you see a naked boob?
a) run away like ninja
b) run away backward
c) twist the nipple
d) slap it 200x

2. what do you do if a hot bitch faint ?
a) strip her bra
b)draw mustache on her face and then strip her bra
c) rape her
d) rape her dog

3. What is condom?
a) an item I probably wont need now
b) something I found in my parent bedroom
c) an item I use everyday
d) an item I neglect during anal sex  (feel like wanna puke? me too.......)

4. Have you ever fantasized about doing it?
a) errrrrrrrrrrrr.......
b) YESS!
c) well,why not...its free baby~
d) not now, busy fantasizing

5. do you have herpes?
a) is that some kind of a food?
b)...........maybe.....
c) could you help me find my herpes medication?
d) could I skip this question?

now for the result,if you guys/awesome-fucker answer most question

A  you are a noob...you are so noob that even my grandpa is cooler than you

B pervert-in-the-making

C serial-rapist

D if most of your answer is D, you are a crazy nut case.....it's a wonder nobody still haven't put you in a mental institution

thx for reading today's episode of Apple Waffle. Chill out, I'm Keough and my roommate want to fuck your ass.(im kidding.....no...im serious)

NOT MINE

This post is dedicated to Daisy with hope she will forever find success in whatever she is doing.

Ok, the jokes below obviously is not mine. I could never have create  dumb shit like these. ( and you all know I love dumb shit)  I''ll provide the link of the site I get the jokes.

My girlfriend invited me to her house, I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy, she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, shall we have sex" , I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car, I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: "you've won my trust"... Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car

___________________________________________________________________________

A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.

"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

_______________________________________________________________________

what do you do if you see your ex , running around in your front yard covered in blood and screaming for help ?

stay calm . reload . and try again

______________________________________________________________________

Girl: Heyy:)
BOY:hey
GIRL: I like you:)
BOY: wow.
GIRL: What?? you don't like me????
BOY: no
GIRL: wow you are so nice :'(
BOY: why are you crying??
GIRL: You don't like me :'(
BOY: well you never asked if i love you:)
GIRL: well do you?!
BOY: Lol no.
____________________________________________________________________

i'm one of those people that laughs at a joke 3 TIMES:
-ONCE when it's told to me
-ONCE when it's explained to me
and
-ONCE 5 minutes later when i finally understand it

___________________________________________________________________

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey son, may I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

____________________________________________________________________

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN / MAN -
WOMAN:
* Wine her,* Dine her,* Call her,* Hug her,* Support her,* Hold her,* Surprise her,* Compliment her,* Smile at her,* Listen to her,* Laugh with her,* Cry with her,* Romance her,* Encourage her,* Believe in her,* Pray with her,* Pray for her,* Cuddle with her* Shop with her,
,* Give her jewelry.* Buy her flowers,* Hold her hand,* Write love letters to her,* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
* Show up naked ...
* Bring food ...
* Don't block the TV 

____________________________________________________________________

There was a plane crash. Every SINGLE person died. Except two people. How is that possible???' They were MARRIED. Get it??

______________________________________________________________________

10 commandments of being a teenager:
1. Thou shall not sneak out when there parents are sleeping (why wait?)
2. Thou shall not do drugs (alochol lasts longer)
3. Thou shall not steal from K-mart (Walmart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism (destructon has a bigger effect)
5. Thou shall not steal from their parents (everyone knows Grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get into fights (start them)
7. Thou shall not skip class (take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not go to strip clubs (Hooters has better food)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex (like Nike says... just do it)
10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street (leave them in the middle)

LINK to DUMB SHIT 

STROKE ONE FOR THE HANDSOME ONE

Hey Hey Hey , Dr Keough is back. Now I'm gonna educate Malaysian about stroke. So if you are from Uganda or Tokyo or Mexico or Nigeria,or the rest of NATO countries, please navigate away from my blog..shooh shooh..( exception to Libya and Taliban member and if you are  pole dancer)


Stroke is the third largest cause of death in Malaysia.  *now puliss show me three finger*

Heart disease and cancer is on top of stroke.(this sound vaguely sexual but trust me there is nothing sexual about death statistic)


It is considered to be  most common cause of severe disability, and every year, an estimated 40,000 f*cking people in Malaysia suffer from f*cking stroke. Anyone can have a stroke, you, me , your aunty, my uncle, your cousin's neighbor's ex husband's sister-in-law's step dad's hooker. Children also can kena stroke, but  most of the cases affect adults.




WHAT THE F*CK IS STROKE?
A stroke is a brain damaged when the blood supply to the brain is disrupted. The brain is the nerve center (not celcom center) of the body, controlling every thing we do or think, as well as controlling automatic functions like breathing,having a boner and multiple orgasm.


In order to work, the brain needs a constant blood supply which carries vital oxygen and nutrients. Like your car, no oil cannot jalan mah.


Brain damage affects your senses, your speech and understanding of language. One side of your body may be paralyzed,( so cannot play futsal or stalk people's mom anymore).




TYPE OF STROKE

1. Ischaemic stroke,(ish-kemik se-trok) occurs when a blood vessel kena block, so blood cannot get to your brain. Like police road bload lar, kena tahan polis, cannot go clubbing ma. Except that in your brain there is no police to road block but got blood clot. How come got clot meh?? Cholestlol lar,that Mc Dollah you eat diam-diam without giving me a bite. serve you right! padan mukan (moral of the story, share Mc Dollah with your friend so they also kena stroke)
2. Haemorrhagic stroke, (he-mo-rajikk se-trok) is when a blood vessel in the brain bursts,(meletup/ explode) causing a hemorrhage(bleed).Like your house plumbing lar, sometimes the pipe burst right?  How the f*ck blood vessel burst meh? A vely vely long time high blood pressure is the villain.So if got blood pressure must fast-fast control ok?

picture of Keough stopped by the polis when he wanna go clubbing

RISK FACTOR FOR STROKE

Modifiable risk factor

.Good news! Meaning you can delete this risk factor from your life.

• Untreated high blood pressure (hypertension).
• A diet high in salt, fatty, sugary foods
• Diabetes (hence, the diet control in point above)
• trolling on Apple Waffle
• Atrial fibrillation (  irregular heartbeat) increases the risk of blood clots forming in the heart, which may then dislodge and travel to the brain.
• Smoking.
• Regular heavy drinking drink two small glass is ok lar.
•   fan of Justin Bieber or K-POP

Non-modifiable Risk Factor
BAD NEWS. You gonna have a new step-dad. Risk factors that cannot be controlled, meaning no matter what you do, you will always have this risk factor, god make you this way.

• Age over 55, and the older you are, the more chance you get stroke
•  Men are at a higher risk of stroke than women (but please don't think of changing your gender through surgery)
• ¨Having a close relative with Christ Brown stroke increases the risk, maybe father, brother,uncle etc etc
• have sex with Jew

WHAT THE F*CK STROKE WILL DO TO MY BEAUTIFUL BODY?

•  suddenly you cannot move arm/leg very well, arm/leg feel very weak
• suddenly one side of face become lower
• cannot talk properly
• cannot see properly
• headache
• vomit
• confuse
• have urge to donate money to Keough

and to make matter worse, most are permanent disabilities....... :'(    more permanent than your relationship! (we all know your homosexual relationship with your friend's dad wont last forever)

TREATMENT
1.smack head on the National Monument of Brazil  four times
1. Blood pressure drugs--- to reduce blood pressure lar, what else. Blood pressure drug such as Diuretics to rid the body of excess fluids+salt  and Beta-blockers to reduce the heart rate and the heart's output of blood
2. Anti-platelet drugs and aspirin---prevent blood clots
3. Drug for atrial fibrillation (irregular heartbeat)
4. kiss Taylor Swift every Sunday
4.Cholesterol-lowering drugs
5.Drugs for Diabetes Mellitus
6.Regular Medical Check-Up
7. Read Apple Waffle..(it was scientifically proven in Planet Nemeck)

A random Nameck-ian is happy after the treatment of  20 post of Apple Waffle

BITCH SLAP

 This post is dedicated to Haruzato

In my experience (limited maybe), I encountered a lot of bitch

You                                        :  Keough ,what is a bitch ??
Keough/fail-eminem-wannabe : Good question awesome-person/Waffle-eaters

Bitch is the term for a nasty girl. Girl who  act stupid and just annoy you very much. There are many type of bitch.

Poisonous bitch

This kind of girls have laser tongue and like to annoy people verbally. They usually annoy guy but friendly to their girl mate.

Masturbate-holic Bitch

This girl is so selfish, she is willing to fuck anyone who get in their way. (not fuck as in doin sex,fuck in a sense that They will rape your cat and dog if you don't give them what they want and will stop at nothing to get what they want. ) They take anything they want and don't care about anyone.

Lesbian Bitch

this type of bitch is more self-centerd than Kanye West. Kinda like female version of Voldemort. They have similarity with Poisonous bitch, the only diffrence is this Lesbian Bitch annoy both guy and girl

Stoopid bitch
stupid bitch is stupid.nuff said

Bitchy Bitch

bitchy bitch is the pure kind of bitch, they are born to be bitch and die like a hooker..and we all know how we deal with dead hooker. Dump the dead body into the river

Bitch in a Cup
these kind of bitch is the most easy to handle because their size is usually small and midget-ish. Rumors have it that they are distant relatives to Hobbit.

Denial Bitch
this bitch won't admit their bitchi-ness unless you shower them with nude photo of Justin Bieber or held at gun point.

Plain Bitch on a Bun
these kind of bitch is the most easiest to spot among bitches. You could spot them miles away. they are just plain easy to spot because they have big ass. I mean, 80% of their body weight is from the ass.



And to make matter worse,these bitches can evolve , like pokemon and stuff.

Bitch  -------> Biaatch

(read with pokedex voice over in mind) Biaatch is the advanced form of bitch. From here on, is it your civic duty to punch them in the face if you ever encounter one, and it is morally acceptable to not save them when their house is on fire.

How to Deal with Bitch/ Biaatch

1. Bring The Undertaker or The Rock so she will be intimidated. One wrong move,bitch get choke slam.
2. If you don't know any wrestling superstar, just bring painkiller because obviously dealing with bitch gonna be a pain in the ass. (Rumors have it that some bitch like to violate people ass)
3. Learn the middle finger Kung Fu. Practice daily to get the perfect middle finger gesture. Research shown 90% increase effectiveness if you add "Shut the f*ck up!" with your Middle Finger Kung Fu
4. Try to be sweaty and smell like rotten fish, because bad smell is their natural predator.
5. if all else fail, contact ngo

www.bitchbetterrecognize.org  or www.bitchbegone.com 

or

call 1-800-40-BIAATCH now

(btw, if you totally believe the above help website and hotline, you are nuttier than me )

Thx for reading today's Apple Waffle. Chill out, I'm Keough and having a small genital is not a crime.

Happy Lou-se Day

This story have been approved by audience who have twitter or have I-phone.

Please switch off all handphone while reading this article.
The character in this story is  fictional, any resemblance to real people is purely intentional ,so f-cking deal with it.

                        and I don't give a f-ck if you get permanent disabilities (kecacatan kekal) from reading this article/ ajaran sesat.

[Ah Beng, Ah Chong and Ah Keough is in a coffee shop] 

Ah Beng : Lu olang ar, today is 16 May, you know we celebrate what today?

Keough: We celebrate the day I do it with your mom?

Ah Beng : l*ncau lu, shut up.

Ah Chong : Easy one lar, today we celebrate Teachers Day. The day we say tenkiu to all our lou-tze talkin about teacher, I got a stoly about this teacher,let's call her Madam Z, she teach me during year 3 until year 6 in plimaly school. She was vely vely helpful one. She even recommended me to a good secondary school. My family is indebted to her.

Picture of Madam Z at the age of 19

Keough/ the-white-lion : woah nice stoly one...for a bapuk...keh keh keh...

*Ah Chong flip middle finger to keough *

Mr Busuk Hati's favorite shirt

Keough : my turn you see this tall teacher...let's call him Mr Busuk Hati. He teach me Kemahiran hidup during form2. At that time I just bought a new pokemon cards, and obviously that pokemon cards cost me a lot of money. Then Mr Busuk Hati rampas that card from me. Cib*i. After that, I try ask him give back my cards but that fucker said " saya tak nak pulangkan". cib*i punya lou tze. I hope he choke from eating roti canai.

passport picture of Mr Mustached Pedophile

Ah Beng : haiya, why you bring the card to school in the first place, of course lou tze fast-fast rampas the card. ur fault lar. my story ar,this teacher, let's call him Mr Mustached Pedophile. You see, he f-cking humiliate me in front of the whole class. Ok maybe I was wrong for talking in class, but he doesn't need to humiliate me, that accident scared  my youth forever. Even though it is long long ago stoly, I still hate him. One day if I'm lucky, I'm gonna f-cking rape Mr Mustached Pedophile daughter...let her daughter be traumatized like I was.

Ah Keough : Gila ar you? wanna go to jail izzit? no need to go extend..molest sikit-sikit tak pe lar

Ah Chong : you both gila one..haiya.. Why did I even friends with you guys

Ah Beng and Ah Keough together : because we sleep with your mom

Ah Chong :  .......................................................did you use plotection? i dont want a new brother

END

BIEBER FEVER (NOT)

Hey hey hey, Justin Bieber was here recently for his concert last Thursday. It created some sort of buzz from fans here in Malaysia

Yes, a lot of people have talk about this epidemic "Bieber Fever" and I'm here to give my opinion. Bieber Fever is without a doubt is more contagious than Bird Flu, Swine Flu and SARS combined. Luckily for us, the guys, this disease only affect women within non-my-grandma-age. So boys, having balls does have it advantages.

only God knows what make him make that expression,but I really hope its not related to Apple Waffle :D

Sign of Bieber Fever

1. dream of marrying him
2. scream loudly when you see him
3. go berserk when you saw his Girlfriend,you know,that bitch, Selena Gomez-something
4. would willing to do anything for his unwashed Obama-patterned-boxer ( I know Justin is a Canadian, and he is not even in a legal age to vote, but I'm pretty sure he vote for Change a.k.a Obama if he was an American)
5. have morbidly excessive photo of him in your room or laptop

LOLWUT??

Ok, let me get this straight. Justin Bieber....he is just a normal human being. There is no need to go having multiple orgasm whenever he come to your country and do concert. (but it is morally acceptable if you have multiple orgasm over Ip-Man or futsal ball) I don't hate him nor do I like him. He deserve to be singer because I'm sure he put a lot of effort into it. But seriously, come on girls, there is no reason to be obsessively fanatical about him or worship him or whatever. I may not be religious as I should have been but I'm pretty sure he is not a God. You don't need to be expert in God to know he ain't one. You know what I mean.

Picture of Justin Bieber's uncle, Jar Jar Bink

Then there is this story about a girl who get the chance to shake hand with Justin Bieber and now she won't wash her hand. Come on girl, I'm sure your personal hygiene is way way way way more important than Justin Bieber germs and sweat on your hand. Unless his sweat is scientifically proven to the end world poverty, go ahead, by all means, keep his dirty sweat. ( if his sweat could end world poverty, I wonder what his jizz could do, i'm just sayin)

just so you  know, my older sister LOVE Justin Bieber, thats why I don't dare to call bad names to Justin Bieber in this post. You all know how Apple Waffle "usually" works *wink*    

Thanks for reading today's episode of Apple Waffle. Chill out. I'm Keough and your uncle has three balls (and I'm not talking about bowling balls.)

BEST CHANNEL EVAR

Sorry Waffle-eaters, today there will be no Apple Waffle.I know you. You tired of my  random crap. I know you sick of my random crap. So now it's time to listen to other people random crap. I'm gonna share my most favorite You Tube channel. This is not a total rip off. This not my pathetic attempt to skip writing today's Apple Waffle like I always skip my class.

My Top You Tube Channel

• Raywilliamjohson-Warning:  extreme profanity and extreme F-word spewing.
• Wheezy Waiter-if you like a good laugh,safe joke,could be enjoy by the family
• Nigahiga-this dude is a funny Hawaiian-Japanese ...safe joke
• Bubbiosity-
• IniAnwarHadi

Meeka kitty is so beautiful! I'll date her anytime

• Meekakitty- beautiful red-headed lass childish behavior is funny and fun to watch
• Smosh 
• sxephil-trust me,there is nothing sexual in this channel
• matluthfi90

Why no link?? ?  Because you need to practice middle finger Kung Fu on the mouse and I am too lazy to provide the link

KEDAH JUKEBOX

Okay, no more crap. It's about time I talk something useful and informative instead of the usual trash-talk. Now I'm gonna teach you some words in Kedah people daily conversation.

You      : we don't wanna to know about Kedah, give me the usual Apple Waffle
Keough : Shut up. Too bad, this is my blog, I can chose whatever the hell I want to write.
You     : %$#@!

I've been living in Kedah for 13 years and I must say, I'm losing my Kedah accent which I will not blame urbanization or Barrack Obama's ex-girlfriend's pedophile grandma.  Years of talking formal in Bahasa Malaysia have taken in toll.

Hang- you
example : Hang nak makan apa?  | What you want to eat?

Depa-they
Depa nak  makan apa?  | What they want to eat?

Hangpa semua- you all
Hangpa semua bila nak makan?  When you all wanna eat?

seriau- afraid
Seriau aku ikut jalan itu, ada hantu | I'm afraid to use that path, there is ghost there.
 
habaq-tell
Aku nak habaq benda penting ni.  | I want to tell you something important.

sat-1. for a moment      2.wait
1.  Tunggu sat | Wait for a moment. (usually use with the word "tunggu" at the front,but it would also be understandable if you use the word "sat" alone)
2. sat sat sat!  | wait wait wait!

satgi- later
Satgi hang jumpa aku belakang rumah.  | Later I will meet you behind the house.

pi-   go
Jom pi pekan  | Let's go to town.

lagu tu- like that
Jangan buat lagu tu.  | Don't do like that.

awat- why
Awat muka sedih?  | Why the sad face?

kupang- this is a bit tricky to explain.
10 cent is sekupang
20 cent is dua kupang
30 cent is tiga kupang
but there is no such thing as 10 kupang. RM1.00 is "Seringgit" in Kedah. Got it?

Now let's jump off the building together practice together. Read the text below, see whether you could understand.

Brad Pitt : Hang jangan habaq kat depa,satgi aku nak pergi clubbing.
Lady Gaga : Awat hang nak pergi seorang? Ajak la aku. Tapi nak pinjam duit boleh? dalam wallet aku tinggal 4  kupang saja.
Brad Pitt  : Seriau aku nak bagi pinjam duit kat hang, hang bukan reti bayar. tiada duit tak boleh ikut.

(as Brad Pitt is leaving he was stopped by Osama Bin Laden )
Osama Bin laden : sat sat sat! hangpa tunggu sat sini , Pak Cik aku satgi nak datang,dia bawak makanan untuk kita.

Rumors has it that Osama was from Changlun, Kedah

Thanx for reading today's Apple Waffle. Chill out, I'm Keough and Kedah people are AWESOME.

My Rap Song

When you fuckers are bored or have nothing to do,check out my rap song..click the link below...

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=142787119123309&comments

Powahful Sister

          My sisters is more powahful than me and najib. They can shoot laser form their eye, breath fire and can turn into super saiya.

Ok,that last sentences is not true, they can only shoot laser from their eyes.

            Is it just me or all my older sisters is better than me in every way? I wonder whether there is some ultimate rule that says older sister are always better than you. Whoever invent that rule, I'm gonna f*cking kill him. Well, I guess older sister is suppose to be that way. They suppose to be better than you. The extra age does have it advantages. My grandma know the legendary mop kung fu.They have more experience than me. I mean, they like  'been there, done that'. 

My granma's  is Ip Man ex-girlfriend

 My older sisters is/are

• more religious than me (this one sister from Penang,when I text her,she always says thing that put a knife on my back)
• get excellent grade in their study
• more richer than me (but at least they always treat me watch movie in cinema, karaoke and stuff)
• can drive better than me  (they look so cool when they drive me around)
• have better talent in drawing than me (heck, one of my sister is even an artist in our local comic magazine!)
• have awesome JOB
• have a lot of people comment in their Facebook wall (i'm not jealous,shut up troll)
• have more friend than me in Facebook  (i'm really not jealous.shut the fuck up troll)
• have cooler Handphone. ( I have to camwhore using their phone  )
• have more pageview on THEIR blog

Picture of my handphone

               I feel somewhat small compared to my older sisters. But I can play futsal better than any of them.  FUTSAL IS SUPERIOR TO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD  Take that sis!! I WIN !!(ok..that wasn't necessary)

Errrrr,to any of my older sisters,who are now reading this, I just wanna say thank you so much for being there for me in my hour of need, always give me a hand to reach in my desperation, a place to hold on when everything are just seem terrible to bear. Thanks for the cheer and comfort. One day when I become more richer than you, I treat you  papadom. I love you .

not this one, i mean the food..THE FOOD!

(If you don't know what is papadom, please go back to Nigeria, where you belong.)

Just so you know, one text message from my sisters is all it needs to turn me into Super Saiya  make me happy the whole day.Sister complex? I don't know...

Thx for reading today's  Apple Waffle. Chill out, I'm Keough and my toilet paper is made from gold.

Mr Potato Head night talk.

Mr Potato Head made his first visit here in Apple Waffle.

Wanted to thank him for giving me the priviledge to spam and kentut here.

It's midnight so Mr Potato decided to talk some random stuff about late-sleepers together with his buddy Mr Taib.
MPH: Do you know that you have higher tendency to die if you're not sleeping after 12?
Taib: Apa gunanya awk beritau I pasal ni? Orang macam I hebat. Satu hari 3 bungkus rokok. You boleh ka?
MPH : why not. I can prove to you I can. 

Taking out 3 boxes of cigarettes.

Taib: Huh? Ingat lawak ke bodoh? Ni cuma kotak rokok kosong. KOSONGLAH. NGOK NGEK.
MPH: You're the idiot. It's empty cos my wife is the only taking them.
Taib: Oh, ko ada isteri? Ingatkan kau suka laki. 
MPH : MYOB lah. Mind you own business. Back to our topic. - issue of sleeping late.
Taib : Orang macam I, dah biasa tidur lewat. Sbb I jual porn , dah kata untuk thread2 yang lepas.
MPH: Sure? Not Facebooking?
Taib: Facebook tu apa?  Ehem, actually ada byk sebab orang2 sekarang tidur lewat2 belaka. Sbb mereka nak cari video Anwar Ibrahim dgn seks scandal dia.Sedangkan video tu langsung takde pe2. Buang masa aku cari. Nanti kita sama2 act keluar, gerenti lagi benar.
MPH: With you? I'm maybe a gay but I have a sense of taste. With a guy who doesn't even make up or shave your head, so unsexy.
Taib : Jgn perasan, I ni 100% No Man.
MPH: Your English sucks.
Taib : Apa boleh buat, I diculik oleh sekumpulan Singaporean, dipaksa jual -2nd hand lingerie- kat tepi Jalan masa kecik.
MPH: This is a meaningless night talk. Yawn, I seriously needed some sleep. 
Taib: Cepatnya. Mau tak I baca badtime story? Ia berkenaan dgn pengalaman di mana ada pocong antar bunga kat aku. Kata nak pegi dating dan mendayung sampan bersama-sama.
Merana juga sbb sepanjang dating tu I terpaksa menolak dia dalam troli. Lompatan pocong tu sungguh buruk skali. Patutlah orang kata pocong x mungkin dapat pecahkan rekod lompat jauh.
MPH : You have no sense of humor tonight. 
Taib: Whatever....

Lights turn off...................oyasumi.

Karaoke Time

This is a parody of Hey Soul Sister...enjoy~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrMiZhrgIzk


Hey you b*tch, i wonder why you do like this?
I know you have disease, and it also rhyme with herpes
your sweet pussie,the smell of you and your wet lingerie,
i knew when you ignore me,im the one you detested, who you think is retarded

hey not-soul mate give me that unwanted,cigarette ,
the way you fool me ain't cool you know
hey not soul mate,you don't miss a single thing of me right?

Just in hell, I know you never wanna care about me,
you gave my dick erection, a game of seduction,you can't deny
I'm so f--king sad, my hard is bound to be rotten  fast
I believe in you, like an angel your a Valkyrie
and I'm very really need a weed


hey not-soul mate give me that unwanted,cigarette ,
the way you fool me ain't cool you know
hey not soul mate,you don't miss a single thing of me right?

the way you can cut my heart,
watching you enough to make me puke
your the angle , I'm the ugly duck
you keep haunting my dream, you see
I can kill myself finally,the fact is nobody gonna stop me from doin it
My world is really melancholy, empty

hey not-soul mate give me that unwanted,cigarette ,
the way you fool me ain't cool you know
hey not soul mate,you don't miss a single thing of me right?

hey not-soul mate give me that unwanted,cigarette ,
the way you fool me ain't cool you know
hey not soul mate,you don't miss a single thing of me right?

Pumpkin Kidnapped

*THIS IS A PHONE CALL CONVERSATION BETWEEN KEOUGH AND A KIDNAPPER* 

kidnapper : Hello, my name is bakabaka-kidnpapper, but you can call me Mr Douchebag. Your daughter life is in my hand

keough : hi there, nice to meet you Douchebag. How are you?

kidnapper : i'm fine, thank you.errrrr...wait...I SAID YOUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE IS IN MY HAND

keough : life is something abstract, you cannot possibly REALLY hold a life in your hand,could you?

Kidnapper : FINE, I don't have your daughter life in my hand. But if you don't pay the ransom, I will slit your daughter throat and dump her body  in Klang River after cutting her into tiny bite size pieces using chainsaw. Satisfied?

Keough : Yes! I'm satisfied. Yes! Yes! But how do I know it's my daughter? not some random-bangla daughter?

Kidnapper : good point, I never thought of that. This is my first time in the kidnapping industry. Please be gentle.

Keough : since this your first day, I forgive you ok. don't do it again next time ok?

kidnapper : ok

Keough : well, may I pease talk to my daughter

Kidnapper : sure you can, please talk with her

Keough : suddenly I don't want to talk anymore

Kidnapper : damn, don't mess around with me, you want your daughter alive or not?

Keough :  Why so serious? joking only lar. anyway, don't kill my daughter yet. I'm willing to do anything to save her which doesn't involve me physically or mentally harm and doesn't involve me giving up pole-dancing. How much you want?

Kidnapper : 20 cent

Keough : WTF? 20 cent??!! too cheap. My daughter life is not that cheap. I won't pay unless you increase the price

Kidnapper : Hmm....Rm100,000?

 

Keough : still too cheap

Kidnapper : RM 200,000?

Keough : try a bit higher lar...haiya

Kidnapper : RM 500,000 

Keough : RM 1,000,000 take it or leave it..my final offer

Kidnapper: errr....ok

Keough : so..how I'm gonna give you the money?

Kidnapper : pay cash . I give you one hour from now. My guys will pick the money at Jalan Anjing Kencing.

Keough : stupid arr  you? One hour is not enough. You know how far is the bank?? then cari parking lagi,take time mah. In the bank have to queue, also take time mah. Idiot lar you.idiot dumb dumb one.no wonder your mom name you bakabaka-kidnapper.

Kidnapper : sorry lar, this is my first day doing crime.please be gentle. just tell me lor when you ready. I call you again ar?

Keough :  Ok. talk to you later. take care. I love you

Kidnapper : you take care too. I love you too.....errr... I mean...uhhh...I DON'T LOVE YOU!! (my chemical romance,beli cd ori tau)..bapuk arr you?? nevermind. Good day Mr Uthayakumar

Keough : Wait.what you say? My name is Keough. Not Mr Uthayakumar.

Kidnapper: ..sorry..wlong number

WEAK GUNNER

"F. U."  was heard as it was shouted from the corridor of my apartment. I guess what that guy actually wanna say is "Fu*k you."  Stick to your gun, man, say it out loud. If you don't have the ball to curse, don't curse at all. Make up your mind dude, whether you wanna be vulgar or not. F.U.???? That is the most pathetic thing I ever heard, nothing is more pathetic than that feeble attempt to curse in the history of pathetic-ness . I'm not saying you should be a trash-talker and curse all you want. But man,the moment he uttered that word is the moment he lost all trace of his manhood. I see more ball from a 19 years old girl than that dude I'm just sayin. 

 even this faggot have more ball than that  dude

Ball-less-man-who-does-not-stick-to-your-gun, I don't hate you, in fact I pity you, I just want you to grow a dick  and  curse when appropriate. Ok, enough about your boyfriend. tee hee hee

Thanx for reading today's ball-siest Apple Waffle. Chill out, I'm Keough and please stick to your gun.

P/S : You guys likes  last Monday Apple Waffle? Yeah, I thought it was pretty clever. She really sum up the real me with that comic she did.

Special Guest Hachiro

PERVERT TURTLE

         What do you get when you combine stuffed toy and capitalism? Apparently, a very perverted turtle. I met,with got to be the most pervert turtle in the world.

This is an artist rendering of the real soft toy,the owner of the soft toy refuse to have the actual turtle picture be published

Just look at his eye,they are motherf*cking grandmotherf*cking great-grandmotherf*cking pervert. Imagine you are in the shower and he was like.....

Blerghhhh I stalk you~!

         Who invented this soft toy? Maria Ozawa?? What's wrong with the manufacturer? Who is their target consumer?? Serial rapist? Pedophile ? That turtle is sick, man. I bet that turtle probably stuffed with pure lust or something. I mean, imagine this turtle eye-balling YOU when you're changing cloth.

I like to look at your junk~!

I even bet this turtle invented the threesome,anal sex and whatnot...BECAUSE ITS SO MOTHEREFFING PERVERT.Attention Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,please knock some sense back to YOUR COUSIN (Zing~! ),kick his ass,ball.whatever.

Thank for reading today's episode of Sweet Apple Waffle. Chill out, I'm Keough and beware of pervert turtle.

CHATTER BOX

             I usually don't mix my sentence with English and Bahasa Malaysia. It because there is this some sort of "mode" pre installed inside my mind. My default function is to have Language Mode. But I don't have much choice. Sadly there is only "English Mode" and "Bahasa Malaysia mode" to select. I'm hoping to learn a bit of Japanese,because I'm a frigging Japanese wanna be, are you satisfied,troll? Damn it.When I'm in English mode, I wag my tongue in English all the way.If I'm in Bahasa Malaysia mode, I won't spit any sentence in English. I don't know how your brain work,  but my brain works that way. not that I use my brain anyway, I think with my left knee.

my leg is oh so sexy

        In term of accent, I love worship British accent, but I hardly understand what the fish they are saying in an British-Accent movies, like James Bond and Harry Potter and such. I still need the bloody subtitle.My second most favorite accent is Scottish-accent. Sottish accent Rocks! Scottish slang is a melody to my ear, they  make me meek and burst my heart like an endless blissful explosion.

In term of Bahasa Malaysia, I like Kedah-dialect the most. Maybe I'm bias becoz I was raised there.

You ever wondered how Einstein talk? he is from German so I bet he talk like a Scientific-version of Hitler except the part where he want to kill jews and invade Europe.

Ok, I never done this before,please be gentle, question to the Apple Waffle's readers a.k.a awesome-teeth person..I just assume anyone who read Apple Waffle have clean,white sparkly teeth. What is your favorite Bahasa Melayu accent? and Which English accent you love, British or US?   US= Unta Saya???lol

Thanx for reading today's Apple Waffle. Chill out, I'm Keough and I'm maybe brain-less but your girlfriend is boob-less. So I win, bwahahhaha.

Happy Life

HOW TO LEAD A HAPPY LIFE

1. DON'T F*CK WITH AMERICA.  i mean,they got CIA, FBI,B2-bomber and stuff

This bastard destroy 2 country

2. DON'T F*CK WITH TERRORIST. they will bomb your house
3. DON'T F*CK WITH GOVERNMENT unless you are terrorist or Pakatan Rakyat supporter or not from this planet
4. DON'T F*CK WITH OTHER PEOPLE GF/BF unless your name is Keough
5. DON'T INVOLVE YOUR FRIEND'S FAMILY WHEN HELPING YOUR FRIEND. you will be hated forever and ever and ever and ever or until your dead...either way
6. DON'T F*CK WITH GOAT. .....duh..........but buffalo is fine
7. DON'T F*CK WITH YOUR EDUCATION/FUTURE. don't become a loser
8. DON'T F*CK WITH YOUR LECTURER/ BOSS. Some of them can be son of a bitch, but they have the power to make your life difficult.

Passport Picture of my lecturer

9. DON'T F*CK WITH JEWS,  THEY WILL KILL YOU

10. DON'T F*CK WITH TAYLOR SWIFT, I WILL KILL YOU! I'm serious.

11. DON'T FORGET TO READ APPLE WAFFLE. I WILL steal your underwear KICK YOU

TRUE STORY

As requested by one of my readers, today's shit gonna be a real life story of me, the awesome Keough.

 8.00 a.m-Morning world! I hate cold water bath but sadly my apartment doesn't have shower heater. So what do I do? My room mates have two electric water heater. ok..heating the water...after both electric kettle  have already heated, I pour it into my damn pail. Then another round of water-heating action. Then pour again into my damn pail.

Hot water bath is fucking amazing.

8.45 a.m-already put on my cloth and all. Today's fashion wear is purple long sleeve shirt +  cool black vest + balck trousers + watch +black tie + ring = smart-looking blogger/doctor

8.50 a.m- oh snap,10 minute before class.walk hurriedly toward class which is just 100 meters away from my apartment.

8.55 a.m- I have 5 minute before class. What do I do? Head to cafeteria, eat white rice+ two sausage + sambal belacan+ hot milo= hearty breakfast (no chew,swallow! )

9.00- where is the class? i'm fucking lost.

9.05-luckily somehow manage to get there. Miracle?  arrived  5 minute late..snap

9.10-everyone gather around the lecturer. Crap,forget to wear my white coat (I just notice everyone is wearing their's, and I'm not wearing mine)

9.15 a.m-the lecturer teach the mechanism of labor (p/s: it doesn't involve any bangla. ok my joke is lame..f*cking lame) using a model of the pelvic bone and a doll baby.

9.45 a.m-ughh. my leg hurt after standing for a long time.Then  there is this bunch of people in front of me,so I could not fucking see what the lecturer is doing with the doll but probably nothing sexual or related to  pole-dancing. Oh well, I already get the most of what the lecturer trying to teach, so I sit my handsome-ass on the comfortable couch while everyone stands around the lecturer.So in theory, I can already deliver a baby!

10.20-practical at the Clinical Skill Lab finish. Now have to move to the classroom to see movie,errrr....i mean video. Lecturer show us a few video of dancing naked panda labor mechanism.

11.00 a.m-ride with my friends car to hospital. It's raining man.

11.36  a.m  introduce our self to the specialist in the ward. Mr Mohan. Rumors (from previous posting) had it that he eat children for breakfast is a really fierce and stern man demon. I got to admit, my knee is shaking a bit already. Gathering all the ball that I could muster, I meet Mr Mohan. I was half-expecting a shouting-frenzy angry beast..  He turn out to be a nice guy. What a relief. He spoke politely with us.Maybe because it's our first day in the ward?

11.50 a.m-clerk a 59 year's old lady

12.30 p.m-hang out with classmate in the ward, my classmate say she gonna go shopping. I said I want in, and she agreed. borrow Rm50 from a friend since i will go shopping. Attempt to seduce my friends to watch Battlefield Los Angeles  : failed

12.45 p.m-shopping cancel. Return the RM50 to my friend. eat at the hospital cafetaria. Menu: iced bandung+ white rice+sausage+fried chicken+random gravy

1.15 p.m- Arrived at apartment, Courtesy of hot leng loi which shall not be name here. Play dota, use Geomancer. Kill 24, die once. (This probably don't make sense to you if you never play the game)

Dota,my favorite game

2.00 p.m-facebooking+read other people blog

2.30 p.m-it's raining..damn..i hope it will stop soon bcoz i want to play futsal at 6.00..

3.00 p.m -sleep...good night world...(WTF?)

2.00 a.m oh...eh.....what is the time now?

Be Honest

           I just woke up. Then something dreadful happened. Relax, my house was not on fire. Relax, there was no pole-dancing-pervert trying rape me. No Taylor Swift on my bed. This shitty story gonna be long like your dad criminal records but bear with me.

            As I try to see the time through my handphone, I notice it's has been turned off. That's funny, I don't remember turning it off. When I turn on that shit, it say's on the screen that my PIN number have been block and it request my virginity PUK number. Ignorant and careless as I am, there is no chance in hell or Justin Bieber's songs,either way because they both sucks, I'm gonna remember my PUK number . Besides, I toss my Celcom card that comes with the sim card a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. 

I bought my phone from this Luke-i-am-your-father-guy/prick

         Of course , this kind of shit don't happen own it own, sadly someone other than jews and black people must get the blame. I ask my younger 8 years-old-brother / cutest-little-bastard-evar (I love my brother,so shut up troll,I'm not a shota/pedophile) did he toyed around with my handphone when I was asleep. Shaken-hardly-audible-voice,and lack of verbal answer after repeated questioning, my brother denied he  toy around with my phone. That little bastard didn't even look me in the eyes, make me suspect he is the culprit...... which was later confirm by my slave a.k.a  14 year's-old-brother. That little bastard lied to his own blood...WTF?!

Picture of  my little brother..

What do you do in these kind of situation? That dude is only 8-years-old. Should I be angry at him? Warghhhh, Hulk........... smash! Should I let this slide?

Since I love my brother, I forgive that little bastard, he is just a kid, he don't know what he is doing. I don't see any point to be angry. No need to go to Warghhhhhhhh, Hulk.......... smash! No need to spew F-word .............such as  Frodo or Fifa.

Thanx for reading today's Dragon Ball-less Apple Waffle. Chill out, I'm Keough and you are from Nameck planet.

THE COUNTRY NEED YOU

             Ok. The country don't need you, the title is misleading and homosexual. This is not an army recruitment advertisement . We are not at war with any country what so ever. But I need you! Yes YOU! The person reading this blog/awesome-stuff,breathing oxygen and gluing your face on the laptop screen Facebooking 24 hours a day (get a life man).

Basically,I'm offering a job. Don't worry, it won't involve pole-dancing nor anything explosive. I need someone to write Apple Waffle for me.Sort off co-blogger thingy. Isn't that great?

          Why would I a.k.a the-most-awesome-person-in-the-universe even want a co-blogger for Apple Waffle anyway?  Hmmmm,good question waffle-eaters. Apple Waffle is good place to laugh at crude joke, and good things are meant to be shared right? So I like to share the fun of writing Apple Waffle with someone.

What is the job?
Just write something funny in my blog. No dateline will be imposed. You can submit your work anytime. Just do it for fun. No obligation what-so-ever.

Requirement for my slave co-blogger

1. Good in English
2. Funny (and not necessarily write crude joke and use vulgar words like Fuck..dick and stuff.if you can write something funny without them,why not :D   )
3. not my ex-girlfirend 
4. not jews

How to Apply
Applicant please send your most creative writing,your best masterpiece, your awesome work by e-mail to matsuame2@yahoo.com and leave a comment below saying you are interested for the job.

I will select one or maybe more prospective associate.

You will be given 2 month trial before you are officially promoted into Apple Waffle Inc. CEO/co-blogger. (The probation period will change according to circumstances)

When will this job offer end?
You can apply anytime!! This offer have no time limit.

Benefits
I would love to pay you for your work,but sadly I myself is not paid, ok... Sure there is no money doing this thing but believe me,doing this kind of shit thing have it own satisfaction. But if one day Apple Waffle become the best blog in Malaysia The World, you will surely get your share of the money $$$ ka-ching!