NOT MINE

This post is dedicated to Daisy with hope she will forever find success in whatever she is doing.

Ok, the jokes below obviously is not mine. I could never have create  dumb shit like these. ( and you all know I love dumb shit)  I''ll provide the link of the site I get the jokes.

My girlfriend invited me to her house, I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy, she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, shall we have sex" , I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car, I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: "you've won my trust"... Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car

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A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.

"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

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what do you do if you see your ex , running around in your front yard covered in blood and screaming for help ?

stay calm . reload . and try again

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Girl: Heyy:)
BOY:hey
GIRL: I like you:)
BOY: wow.
GIRL: What?? you don't like me????
BOY: no
GIRL: wow you are so nice :'(
BOY: why are you crying??
GIRL: You don't like me :'(
BOY: well you never asked if i love you:)
GIRL: well do you?!
BOY: Lol no.
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i'm one of those people that laughs at a joke 3 TIMES:
-ONCE when it's told to me
-ONCE when it's explained to me
and
-ONCE 5 minutes later when i finally understand it

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey son, may I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN / MAN -
WOMAN:
* Wine her,* Dine her,* Call her,* Hug her,* Support her,* Hold her,* Surprise her,* Compliment her,* Smile at her,* Listen to her,* Laugh with her,* Cry with her,* Romance her,* Encourage her,* Believe in her,* Pray with her,* Pray for her,* Cuddle with her* Shop with her,
,* Give her jewelry.* Buy her flowers,* Hold her hand,* Write love letters to her,* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
* Show up naked ...
* Bring food ...
* Don't block the TV 

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There was a plane crash. Every SINGLE person died. Except two people. How is that possible???' They were MARRIED. Get it??

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10 commandments of being a teenager:
1. Thou shall not sneak out when there parents are sleeping (why wait?)
2. Thou shall not do drugs (alochol lasts longer)
3. Thou shall not steal from K-mart (Walmart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism (destructon has a bigger effect)
5. Thou shall not steal from their parents (everyone knows Grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get into fights (start them)
7. Thou shall not skip class (take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not go to strip clubs (Hooters has better food)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex (like Nike says... just do it)
10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street (leave them in the middle)

LINK to DUMB SHIT 

STROKE ONE FOR THE HANDSOME ONE

Hey Hey Hey , Dr Keough is back. Now I'm gonna educate Malaysian about stroke. So if you are from Uganda or Tokyo or Mexico or Nigeria,or the rest of NATO countries, please navigate away from my blog..shooh shooh..( exception to Libya and Taliban member and if you are  pole dancer)


Stroke is the third largest cause of death in Malaysia.  *now puliss show me three finger*

Heart disease and cancer is on top of stroke.(this sound vaguely sexual but trust me there is nothing sexual about death statistic)


It is considered to be  most common cause of severe disability, and every year, an estimated 40,000 f*cking people in Malaysia suffer from f*cking stroke. Anyone can have a stroke, you, me , your aunty, my uncle, your cousin's neighbor's ex husband's sister-in-law's step dad's hooker. Children also can kena stroke, but  most of the cases affect adults.




WHAT THE F*CK IS STROKE?
A stroke is a brain damaged when the blood supply to the brain is disrupted. The brain is the nerve center (not celcom center) of the body, controlling every thing we do or think, as well as controlling automatic functions like breathing,having a boner and multiple orgasm.


In order to work, the brain needs a constant blood supply which carries vital oxygen and nutrients. Like your car, no oil cannot jalan mah.


Brain damage affects your senses, your speech and understanding of language. One side of your body may be paralyzed,( so cannot play futsal or stalk people's mom anymore).




TYPE OF STROKE

1. Ischaemic stroke,(ish-kemik se-trok) occurs when a blood vessel kena block, so blood cannot get to your brain. Like police road bload lar, kena tahan polis, cannot go clubbing ma. Except that in your brain there is no police to road block but got blood clot. How come got clot meh?? Cholestlol lar,that Mc Dollah you eat diam-diam without giving me a bite. serve you right! padan mukan (moral of the story, share Mc Dollah with your friend so they also kena stroke)
2. Haemorrhagic stroke, (he-mo-rajikk se-trok) is when a blood vessel in the brain bursts,(meletup/ explode) causing a hemorrhage(bleed).Like your house plumbing lar, sometimes the pipe burst right?  How the f*ck blood vessel burst meh? A vely vely long time high blood pressure is the villain.So if got blood pressure must fast-fast control ok?

picture of Keough stopped by the polis when he wanna go clubbing

RISK FACTOR FOR STROKE

Modifiable risk factor

.Good news! Meaning you can delete this risk factor from your life.

• Untreated high blood pressure (hypertension).
• A diet high in salt, fatty, sugary foods
• Diabetes (hence, the diet control in point above)
• trolling on Apple Waffle
• Atrial fibrillation (  irregular heartbeat) increases the risk of blood clots forming in the heart, which may then dislodge and travel to the brain.
• Smoking.
• Regular heavy drinking drink two small glass is ok lar.
•   fan of Justin Bieber or K-POP

Non-modifiable Risk Factor
BAD NEWS. You gonna have a new step-dad. Risk factors that cannot be controlled, meaning no matter what you do, you will always have this risk factor, god make you this way.

• Age over 55, and the older you are, the more chance you get stroke
•  Men are at a higher risk of stroke than women (but please don't think of changing your gender through surgery)
• ¨Having a close relative with Christ Brown stroke increases the risk, maybe father, brother,uncle etc etc
• have sex with Jew

WHAT THE F*CK STROKE WILL DO TO MY BEAUTIFUL BODY?

•  suddenly you cannot move arm/leg very well, arm/leg feel very weak
• suddenly one side of face become lower
• cannot talk properly
• cannot see properly
• headache
• vomit
• confuse
• have urge to donate money to Keough

and to make matter worse, most are permanent disabilities....... :'(    more permanent than your relationship! (we all know your homosexual relationship with your friend's dad wont last forever)

TREATMENT
1.smack head on the National Monument of Brazil  four times
1. Blood pressure drugs--- to reduce blood pressure lar, what else. Blood pressure drug such as Diuretics to rid the body of excess fluids+salt  and Beta-blockers to reduce the heart rate and the heart's output of blood
2. Anti-platelet drugs and aspirin---prevent blood clots
3. Drug for atrial fibrillation (irregular heartbeat)
4. kiss Taylor Swift every Sunday
4.Cholesterol-lowering drugs
5.Drugs for Diabetes Mellitus
6.Regular Medical Check-Up
7. Read Apple Waffle..(it was scientifically proven in Planet Nemeck)

A random Nameck-ian is happy after the treatment of  20 post of Apple Waffle

BITCH SLAP

 This post is dedicated to Haruzato

In my experience (limited maybe), I encountered a lot of bitch

You                                        :  Keough ,what is a bitch ??
Keough/fail-eminem-wannabe : Good question awesome-person/Waffle-eaters

Bitch is the term for a nasty girl. Girl who  act stupid and just annoy you very much. There are many type of bitch.

Poisonous bitch

This kind of girls have laser tongue and like to annoy people verbally. They usually annoy guy but friendly to their girl mate.

Masturbate-holic Bitch

This girl is so selfish, she is willing to fuck anyone who get in their way. (not fuck as in doin sex,fuck in a sense that They will rape your cat and dog if you don't give them what they want and will stop at nothing to get what they want. ) They take anything they want and don't care about anyone.

Lesbian Bitch

this type of bitch is more self-centerd than Kanye West. Kinda like female version of Voldemort. They have similarity with Poisonous bitch, the only diffrence is this Lesbian Bitch annoy both guy and girl

Stoopid bitch
stupid bitch is stupid.nuff said

Bitchy Bitch

bitchy bitch is the pure kind of bitch, they are born to be bitch and die like a hooker..and we all know how we deal with dead hooker. Dump the dead body into the river

Bitch in a Cup
these kind of bitch is the most easy to handle because their size is usually small and midget-ish. Rumors have it that they are distant relatives to Hobbit.

Denial Bitch
this bitch won't admit their bitchi-ness unless you shower them with nude photo of Justin Bieber or held at gun point.

Plain Bitch on a Bun
these kind of bitch is the most easiest to spot among bitches. You could spot them miles away. they are just plain easy to spot because they have big ass. I mean, 80% of their body weight is from the ass.



And to make matter worse,these bitches can evolve , like pokemon and stuff.

Bitch  -------> Biaatch

(read with pokedex voice over in mind) Biaatch is the advanced form of bitch. From here on, is it your civic duty to punch them in the face if you ever encounter one, and it is morally acceptable to not save them when their house is on fire.

How to Deal with Bitch/ Biaatch

1. Bring The Undertaker or The Rock so she will be intimidated. One wrong move,bitch get choke slam.
2. If you don't know any wrestling superstar, just bring painkiller because obviously dealing with bitch gonna be a pain in the ass. (Rumors have it that some bitch like to violate people ass)
3. Learn the middle finger Kung Fu. Practice daily to get the perfect middle finger gesture. Research shown 90% increase effectiveness if you add "Shut the f*ck up!" with your Middle Finger Kung Fu
4. Try to be sweaty and smell like rotten fish, because bad smell is their natural predator.
5. if all else fail, contact ngo

www.bitchbetterrecognize.org  or www.bitchbegone.com 

or

call 1-800-40-BIAATCH now

(btw, if you totally believe the above help website and hotline, you are nuttier than me )

Thx for reading today's Apple Waffle. Chill out, I'm Keough and having a small genital is not a crime.