No Nu

This blog is dedicated to Pumpkin. I wud like to wish Pumpkin a happy Happy Birthday.I hope she get everything she want her life and never join Taliban.(But she can join Pakatan Rakyat).

There is this advertisement that really caught my attention,and it was not Jessica Alba  in a bikini. Does it bother you when someone spell "Nu" instead of "New".Nu this. Nu that. What next?

Nu Zealand? 
Nu York?

I find it fcuking ridiculous and annoying. More ridiculous than me.(I got boner over football field)

Joke aside,I know the person responsible for the  advertisement a.k.a your-room mate just want to be creative.Creative my ass.Inventing new spelling doesn't always translate into creativity. Your-room mate  is not creative at all. I bet you will find more creativity in a vagina.

Thanks for reading today's episode of Apple Waffle. I'm Keough and don't tell my mom about my blog.

This is what maori people think about your-room mate

Time is not Square

It was Sunday. Time to chill with my cool homies .So we hang out at Time Square,later watch movie.Believe me,Harry Potter movie is a load of bullcrap,which all my homies heavily opposed that,saying it was fun and decent movie.3 vs 1...so majority win? (I hate democracy)
Read all Harry Potter books? high five~!

As I was walk toward the monorail station from KL Sentral,I noticed a pretty lady. 
Oh my god,if you see what I saw,you will shit in your pant. Her arm have the hair thicker than orang utan.Whtat the fcuk fish?! Do anyone  have Zoo Negara contact number,there is a orang utan on the loose and have stolen someone cloth (and have a good sense of fashion too,if I might add )

When I'm at the monorail station,the same usual old story happened again. 

Where is the fcuking freaking line?  these people need a slap on the face.

One thing great about going to Time Square or such and such is you get to see a lot of leng loi and I silently half-wish they were my GF.(I really hope my GF is not reading these,Im sorry darling,I hang myself tomorrow)

Thanks for reading today's episode of Apple Waffle.Chill out.I'm Keough and Najib is your best friend

Sidenote
1.I am still single.Hard to believe rite? Or I'm just too afraid to admit I have GF??
2.This post is dedicated to Zaki/cool-muscular-dude who really help me a lot.Thankx Zaki

Funny You Tube Video

This is a special broadcast . Check out
Paku and Belacan/awesome-guys.
Their video is god-damn funny.I swear on my granpa's grave you will laugh your ass off.If you are not entertain by them,I am willing to pay you 100 million dollar.(ka-chingg $$$ )

(open self wallet,butterfly come out from wallet)
...............................

(awkward silent)


................So as I was saying.The video basically is about two Mat Salleh,who can speak Malay! How often can you see that?? What the fcuk I'm blabbering about?? Just go watch them.

MUST SEE VIDEO EVER

U better click it,before I start pole dancing .

Ask Me Anything

This time I let some of you ask me anything.

Q:How do I prevent STD?
A:  have sex only with goat

Q:What do I do if my bf cheat on me
A:dump him

Q:What do I do if my BF have sex with other girl
A: cut his ball,and then dump him

Q: keough,do u ever have sex ?
A:  MANY TIMES                <-----Big Liar

Q:How to be rich?
A. involve in weapon-smuggling bussiness

Q:How to get A in exam
A: Bribe the lecturer with your "asset"

Q: How to be cool like Keough?
A: never eat vegetables and spicy food

Q:How to get GF/BF?
A: ask Guru KariKaplaIkhanTandooriKalaripayatSilambamKabaddiVanngeVanakam

Q:How to safe the environment??
A: zzzzzzzz      (boring question,NEXT! )

Q: Keough,what is your real name?
A: holy crap..i forget to feed my pet alligator (run away like a ninja)

Q: How to be happy?
A: Never do drug and stay away from alligator pit

Q: How to get bomb?
A: fcuk..dont ask me,go ask Taliban or Abu Sayaff

Q: Why Apple Waffle only post every Monday and Friday?
A: coz other days I have PMS...

if you have anymore question..just post in the comment section below.Thanks for reading today's Apple Waffle.Chill out.I'm Keough and don't do drug.

I named my pet alligator Sakura-chan

ApplePie/Sidenote:
Hey,check out this awesome cool fantastic amazing video on You Tube,created by Paku and Belacan.They are really funny.Its not everyday you got the chance too see Mat Salleh speak fluently in Bahasa Malaysia.You should totally totally check them out.Paku and Belacan

Love Guru

I'm Guru  Kari Kapla IkhanTandooriKalaripayatSilambamKabaddiVanngeVanakam .I'm here to help all your love problem.I have a  Degree in Human Relationship and double Master in Sex and Love.I graduated from University of Maenkayu Tiga in French.Lets read what you bit*h and fcukers (and nigger) write to me today.

Sexy lady99 :

Dear,Guru Kari Kapla Ikhan,my boyfriend cheat on me behind my back.What should I do.I'm so sad and I really love him.

Guru Kari: 
Always make sure your BF stand in front of you.That way,he can never cheat behind your back.duh...

Big Ball Dude:

My GF always ask for sex.  I cannot tahan anymore.Plus I have to focus on my career too.  My ball used to be as big as coconut,now like ping pong. How do I solve my sex-problem?

Guru Kari: 
Buy her sex toys.size XXXL pink color.Keep the warranty in case  she broke it.

Romantic Guy:

I love miss A,but I am really clueless on how to show or give hint that i love her.What is the best thing for me to do to get her attention? Im really desperate.Thanx Guru Kari   for your attention.

Guru Kari: 

That's easy,follow my advise and you will have your dream girl in no time at all.
Step one,give her gifts,but don't sent it directly to her.Give it through someone else.Leave it on her desk.She sure wanna know the mysterious guy.
Step two,don't be horny around her.Girl hate horny guy.
Step three,play your cool card. Don't be rushing and too desperate.Be patient,remember,play cool card and she will like you even more.

Thanks for reading today's episode of Apple Waffle.Chill out. I'm Keough and I don't have blue jizz.

Damned Species

There is a lot cat species in the world, like tiger,lion, puma, panther, jaguar, cheetah, leopard, snow leopard and regular cat you found in road-side foot stall.We human also have different species, and I'm not bluffing you.We human have a lot of jerk.After doing research for 5 minute,I hereby submit my report

Bastard who write perverted blog-fucker

Bastard who troll or comment nasty stuff on people blog-motherfucker

Bastard who troll or comment nasty stuff on people blog without using real name-grandmotherfucker

Bastard who stab you in the back- Asshole

Female bastard that stab you in the back  -Asshole Bitch

Bastard who like to annoy other people -corksucker

Bastard who like to annoy you 24 hours-alcoholic corksucker

Bastard that grumpy and short tempered -Dickshit

Bastard that is selfish and ignorant-dickhead

Which one are you? If you don't belong to this group,CONGRATULATION Have a panda as a gift.

cute panda eating bamboo

and a kitten as well

so adorable~

  

  And don't forget your flowers.

it smell nice~

  

 Thank for reading today's episode of Apple Waffle.Chill out,I'm Keough and you are awesome.

#Sidenote
I'm promoting my brother's blog,check out his blog , 10x funnier than me.Check him out or I won't eat for 5 days.

http://ahjo-joseph.blogspot.com/

The Power of No

More often than not,we Malaysian fail to say no when someone ask for a huge favor.Why is it so hard to say no? It is just one syllable. Well,I believe Malaysian are born nice.It's in our genes. (Those mat rempit and other ill-mannered Malaysian,I doubt they are from this nation.Mexico,maybe? Even if they are really born here,I bet they must have hit their head or something when they were still babies.) Most likely consequences are you end up putting unnecessary burden to yourself. Before you say yes to everything,first,slap yourself (or bang your head on the wall,whichever you like)  and think rationally (like Hitler Mahathir,). 

"Do I have time for this?"

 "Will I be in a great trouble if I do this?"

"Will she have sex with me?"

"Is this a huge favor or a small favor?"

This mat rempit is from Mexico

Don't trouble your ass off when you could just can simply say no.You have other priorities like play Modern Warfare 2 and write perverted blog.Unless the favor in question is microscopically small (like my balls) and won't cause you any trouble or STD,just help him.

It easy to say no.(But I find it hard to say no to Japanese porn,I wonder why.....) 

Repeat after me.

NO
NO
NO
NO
NO

Repeat every time you stalking moms,doing dishes and whatnot (yeah,I know you stalk moms).After 3 days,u will discover the awesome power of no.



Situation where you cannot say no

1.people offer you  $$$  (add more money to your  in your small bank account.I know u only have RM 16.85)
2.people offer to belanja.free food!
3.taylor swift want to date with you.(note:bring condom)
4.blowjob  a job offer at a good company
5.Apple Waffle 

 Thanks for reading today's episode of Apple Waffle.Chill out. I'm Keough and you are awesome.

Father to Son

To my beloved asshole son.. (If I have a son in the future.And i don't think I will have more than one...small genital...)

I will give you:

1.)unlimited access to porn
1. laptop Lenovo
2. black BMW car
3. Rm1000 a month
4. three iPhone (so he cud have three Gf..less easy to get caught cheating if u allocate different number to different gf)
5. Room with air-cond.(lancau,malaysia so hot)

Who want to be my son? Free BMW

In return of all this hospitality,I would expect my son to

1.call me supreme comannder
2.play futsal with me
3.take care 4 of my wife (poligamy rulez)
4.take care of my pet tenuk
5.never date anyone Iban .trust me son,I kena betrayed once by Iban girl (and now I'm blaming the whole race....??)
6.dont touch your-self
7.never smoke weed, (but u can play with hooker)
8. get out of my house!! how old are you??!!!
9. vote in every election..Don't blame government when things goes wrong...blame yourself for not choosing the right leader/party
10. read Apple Waffle every Monday and Friday



                                                               Yours sincerely and not-asshole-ly,

                                                                                                  Dad

Chill out. Thanks for reading today's episode of Apple Waffle.I'm Keough and I like to stalk your mom.

How To Escape Exam

I know everybody hate exam.So uncle Keough is here to teach you how to escape exam.But first,let me tell you why exam is a bull crap.

We must ban the exam to save tree.Exam use a lot of paper,don't agree??? imagine one exam use 50 trees.then u calculate yourself how many school in Malaysia.let say for argument-sake,1000 school in malaysia.Every year there is 4 exam.So by right,we have chop down 2000000 trees a year just to do exams. What  the fu fish?So do you see my point? If you still don't see my point,please visit your nearest eye-doctor today.If we dont have tree,where the tenuk,cipan and tapir gonna live? Where is your elephant,rhino,tiger gonna live? Org utan/your-friend and Org asli/your-granpa also need the forest.

Save our forest

 

So this is my plan on how to escape exam
1. Broke your leg the day before the exam.(make sure you don't hurt your balls in the process)
2.Run away to south africa. (waka waka ea ea)
3.Say that a family member is dying
4.kill the dean
4.burn the examination hall
5.organize a Hindraf demonstration outside your examination hall so you can't get into the hall
6.Steal the exam paper and sell it to surat-khabar-lama man
7.Pay ah long to kidnap your self
8.Let mosquito bite you,so u will kena dengue
9.chop off your hand.No hand,so how to write answer?
10.hired a team of  lawyer to explain to your examiner why its illegal for you to take the exam.
11.get drunk and dont wake up for exam


Actually,don't escape from exam.Don't be a regret-er like me.Study before exam.



Chill out. Thanks for reading todays episode of Apple Waffle. I'm Keough and you are born masochist.

Please Wait

             I am proud to be a Malaysian. Not becoz you like to touch yourself at night,but becoz we Malaysian have:

Lee Chong Wei-World number one badminton player
Koo Kien Keat-Tan Boon Heong-World number one double man badminton player
Nicole David-World number one squash player 
Safuan Said -World number one lawn-bowler
Karamjit Singh-World Champion in rally mototsport
Mat rempit- World number one retard
Keough-World number one doctor/blogger

after winning so many times,Chong Wei/kurus-ah-pek become too lazy to smile

What I am not proud is...............................

              We Malaysian NEVER queue  for buses,train and whatnot. We Malaysian have the patience of a tenuk. I just don't get it why we Malaysian can't be in a fcuking line before boarding the train??This ugly behavior make me sick This happen a lot,this happen everyday.What a shame.

Picture of people with no patience.

            I remember at one time I was in a line in the bank to pay for something,then this mak cik nonchalantly cut in line and stand in front of me.What the fcuk? Hello mak cik,can't you see there is a fcuking line here? Are you blind? What make things worse is that she show me a face like she hasn't done anything wrong. .mak cik,you followed what kind of alien planet rule?? I sure hope she fall in ravine and die.

I would let Kim Ah Jong cut in front of me anytime

              I really hope any Malaysian reading this start getting their act together,get it right. Stop being an insensitive jerk. For god-sake,have some common sense and line up,people! It's like the moment the buses/trains comes,is the moment you throw away your common sense and sanity down the drain. Don't throw your common sense down the drain,you can only throw dead hooker,shit and photo of your ex-BF/Gf down the drain.  Keep your sanity intact please. It's not like it's the end of the world,why you have to rush that BAD??

GOD-DAMN-IT BE PATIENT !!


Chill out,Thanks for reading today's episode of Apple Waffle.I'm Keough and your friend love Brokeback Mountain.

Brockback Mountain-gay people movie

CHILL OUT

How do you unwind yourself? (farting doesn't count as unwind)
How you decompress?

I personally like to throw dead hooker into the river (and steal people underwear).

              Suppose after a tough day,what do you do? If you straight away study,congratulation,you are officially a nerd (like me).On the other hand,if u straight away sleep,u are a lazy turtle. One of the boys favourite past time is sport,especially futsal. Why futsal? Is that even a question? Futsal is like the greatest game in the world. Every question in life can be solve with futsal. Just break up? Play futsal and find hot chick/guy at the futsal center. Have no money? Play futsal and win cash prizes in the futsal tournament. Who need karma when you have futsal to explain everything in life.

One day I'm gonna marry a futsal ball

        I don't know what girls do to chill out,I bet they just clean the house,cook,wash the dishes or something. I'll be damn if they ever play futsal with boys. Why can't you girls play futsal with us boys? It's not like we wanna give you surprise-butt-seks or something.We just want you to play with our ball.(ROFL)

Here is a list on how to unwind yourself,(especially after a grumpy-demonic-lecturer class)

1.sport
2.watch drama/movie/anime
3.play guitar
4.sleep
5.watch porn (and hope you don't burn in hell)
6.get drunk  (and hope you don't get liver failure)
7.smoke    (and hope you don't get lung cancer)
8.write perverted blog    (and hope your mom doesn't read it)
9.smoke weed   (and hope you don't get Infective Endocarditis)
10.read applewaffe blog

Chill out.Thanks for reading today's episode of Apple Waffle.I'm Keough and I approve your sister's underwear color.